Wednesday 28 March 2018

March 2018 Update - Patience and Perseverance


March 2018 Update
Well, the past 3 months have been a bit of a whirl wind and I have been struggling on where to even begin.  Maybe a good place to start is – why do I  blog?  I am just an ordinary 54 year old woman that Loves Jesus with all her heart.  I love my friends and family so much that when I think of those nearest and dearest to me my heart actually hurts.  Yes, I happen to have stage 4 breast cancer which I have been made aware plenty of times is a really really bad thing.  But still why write about this? 
Well, maybe in some small way at some point it will possibly make a difference.  I am not certain actually.  It helps me get stuff out of my head and focus where I need to focus.  My hope is that someone else who is given a serious health diagnosis might read this and it could give them some hope.  Hope for healing, hope for joy, hope for love and hope for a relationship with God.  In the words of “Max Lucado”,  “You’ll get through this.  It won’t be painless.  It won’t be quick.  But God will use this mess for good.  In the meantime, don’t be foolish or naive.  But don’t despair either.  With God’s help you will get through this.”  This is a quote straight from Max Lucado’s book - You’ll Get Through This. 
Throughout the past two years, I have altered my thought process from self reliance to God reliance.  Without God’s help I am of no use. 
Prior to going to Puerto Vallarta in January, I received a good medical report and good results from my MRI in late December.  I have been challenged this year with balancing the efforts and value of travelling.  On the trips to both Puerto Vallarta and Cancun, we had incredible experiences but my energy and well being fluctuated tremendously.  For no obvious reason, I could pretty much do nothing one day and hike 6 miles the next.  Tim definitely picked the short straw for a travel companion.  The longer I am away from home; the more health challenges I face.  So, we try to do as much as we can right away.  No putting off anything till tomorrow.  A couple of years ago, while on a hike in PV; I was stepped on by a horse.  So, this year, I challenged myself to go on the same hike and face my fear.  Well, embarrassingly, another horse came out when I was in a crowded area and I had an all out anxiety attack.  I did not remain calm, nor did I ask God for help.  I just panicked.  What happened to the Let Go, Let God mentality?  It is frustrating to lose control of your emotions yet not reach out to the clear answer – God.  On our trip to Cancun, we went zip lining over the ocean which was a bit of a fear conquering moment for me.  (last time I zip lined; I hit a papaya tree -  true story)  How I have never broken a bone; only God knows. 

My last blood test was a few weeks ago and unfortunately; the tumor markers have increased.  The oncologist was not concerned as this was the first time and they also go by MRI results.   But, it definitely brings us more uncertainty.  I was battling a cold at the time and hoping that this for some reason had an affect on the blood work results.    The oncologist is changing the MRI frequency from once every 3 months to 4 months.  I am trying to look at this as confidence in my health but I do realize it is really a budget thing.  Last week, I had a gastroscopy which was a real treat.  I have to have one every 6 months due to the damage that the ascites did to my veins in 2016. So, back to the oncologist on March 13th.  Praying for blood work results that indicate that treatment is continuing to respond.   
In the meantime, I am praying and listening and reading God’s word.  God is using this quiet down time for me to just be still and listen and learn and believe. 
Much Love,
Bev

Monday 1 January 2018

December 31st - Wind Down Of 2017

December 31st – Wind Down Of 2017

Every year truly does go faster than the one before.  This is such a time of reflection.  I also see it as an opportunity to reflect on what has happened the past year and what I would like 2018 year to be like.  I read a quote today from Elizabeth Gilbert.   “You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.”  What would we like our lives to be like in 2018 and what steps can we take?  This year, I am setting time aside to reflect on the past year and also to look ahead and look forward to 2018.  A couple of nights ago, I was particularly off and could not at first understand why.  I felt unsettled and not at peace.  I am not sure if it was what I had been watching on TV, that I needed time for reflection and prayer, that I had been over reflecting or what.  But, I gave myself the opportunity to figure it out. 

I am grateful for the relationship that I have with God.  I am grateful for the gift of salvation and the knowledge that I am enough.    Yet my heart felt heavy.  But, I quickly came to the source of my restlessness.  One single word summed everything up. 

MORE

I want 2018 to be my blank slate of MORE.  I want to be MORE.  I want to be more tomorrow than I am today.  I want to love more, forgive more, be forgiven more, be more joyful, more real, more encouraging, more hopeful, help more, do more, experience more, heal more, give more, pray more, be more kind, laugh more, be more present in every moment, learn more, be more.....
I have a vision board in my head and ideas in my heart and brain.  I am a visual person and I have to write my ideas and plans down or they stay at ideas.  A few of the things that I want to focus on even more than I do now are:

Self care – Physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I need to carve out times for all of these on a very consistent basis.  I know when I don’t I am not balanced and not overall as well or happy as I could be.   These really over lap so much and when one if off; I am off.

Quiet Time – I need time every day to just be still.  To be in complete silence.  To be aware of God’s prescence and guidance.
    
Faith – There is nothing I treasure more and there just are no words to describe the significance of my personal relationship with God on a daily basis.  I choose to be led by God every day. 

I am so grateful for all of the miracles and blessings that God has given me. Becoming a Grandma to Anne this year is a Joy like no other.  Seeing her development from birth to a 6 month old that is now sitting up is such a gift.  This may be a bit of a late Christmas version brag letter but I am extremely proud of my children.  And, I really feel this year it just really needs to be said.   I am beyond proud of my daughter; Raschelle and the amazing mother she is.  So much love in that girl’s heart.  I have seen her calmly, and lovingly blossom as a wife and mom.  Her husband; Patrick is extremely supportive and has shown me that he is a Good Good Father.  Anne loves him so much.   And, my heart melts when it is her Papa that she wants and can silence her cry and take all her troubles away.   It fills my heart with Joy to see how much she loves them both.  She looks at Raschelle with such adoration and frequently interrupts her and Raschelle isn’t able to get a word in.  I am so thankful that both of my daughters have married great men.  Justine has been up to so much this past year; that it sometimes makes my head spin.  She graduated from Aesthetics, moved back to Red Lake and started up her own business.  Matthew and Justine put a lot on their plates support each other constantly.  Matthew works long hours and is continuing to build their home.  And....they are expecting their first child on June 28th.  They are having a gender reveal in January so that will be another exciting event.  God is blessing our family abundantly!  I have been blessed with very special friends, and  family and I find the relationships and their importance continue to increase.  I find it amazing how God seems to put people in our lives that are exactly what we need in our situations and circumstances.  I very much hope you all know who you are.  If you are reading this then you are one of them.
 
 I need to be aware that God always knows best and will continue to answer my prayers in ways that sometimes I as an earthly being may not understand.  As a believer, I have often struggled with the question of why do bad things happen to good people.  At church today; it was said that our definition of good as earthly beings is sometimes different that God’s.  God’s  definition of good is whatever brings us closer to Jesus.  Good is not defined by our circumstances or our feelings.  I know this is something that I need to pound into my head continuously.  I have received miraculous healing in my circumstances.   God has spoken to me the most when I am in my deepest valleys in life. 
I challenge everyone to think of what they would like their 2018 to be like and to ask God for guidance.    I pray that we all ask for God’s guidance on what to put on our slate for 2018. 

Much Love and Blessings Always,

Bev